i wish i had a giant jelly bean

Viva la Torta! Fudge Torte

2009-03-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

The most recent baked confection was an experiment of sorts. Thanks to all of those who participated in the research phase and provided such helpful feedback. What brought it on was the want to give something to my vegetarian friend as thanks for volunteering to help us out another night at the TH. Maybe like bartering - this torte for five hours of your life. Anyway.

It contains (nearly) no animal product and also no flour. I'm not sure why I went the no-flour direction, but in any case, that's how it ended up. I think it was a good choice.

So the torte is mostly legume: bean curd and lentils. Chocolate was the next important thing, and cocoa powder, a little sugar, leavening and vanilla and salt [Salt is so important! Especially in chocolate things. And especially in hot cocoa with vanilla. You must add salt.]. It baked in a spring-form pan for nearly 70 minutes in a medium oven, and when it was done it had all these deep cracks and crevices... beautiful. I covered them all in ganache, though. We tried it the next day - dense and moist and fudgey. That's when I decided it must be a torte and not a cake. The most common negative comment was that the texture was a bit mealy, but no so much that you wanted to stop eating it. [As a note, the second trial I used black-eyed peas instead of lentils, but I think the lentils may have been better. I also added ground and chopped almonds to the batter, and while I like almonds I didn't like how the bits broke up the texture.]

So all in all, I think it was a success. Hooray for experiments.

cakes - frogs - cacti

2009-03-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

I made a ridiculous chocolate cake last night... it took me until midnight to finish, but I find the whole process very satisfying. And then I get to feed it to my dear friends. It wasn't anything fancy or unique, just really fudgey: four layers of a pretty deep and somewhat dense chocolate cake with dark ganache between layers and covering it. I had some today and found it to be a pretty intense chocolate experience. I'm not sure what it should be called; maybe the "Good-Thing-I-Didn't-Give-Up-Chocolate-for-Lent Cake."

Earlier in the day before cake I went on a long run, which was good because it was warm! But it was kind of aweful too. It was just hard, mentally and physically. There were good things in it, though, like: 1) it was sunny and warm; 2) I did run anyway, even though it was hard; AND 3) in the swampy sections before The Plains I heard MANY spring peepers (little frogs that show up early spring). I'm always surprised by them, they show up so early. They give me hope that seasons of cold and grey and seeming deadness and immobility may be the needed passage toward new seasons of warmth, of verdant places, of growth, of hope realized a little more. I really need these visible reminders in order to keep some kind of perspective when life feels bleak.

I have a Christmas Cactus - Schlumbergera x buckleyii - that is also teaching me this. I thought it was dead and broken and was a little mad about it. I wrote a silly little ditty about this experience...

---

It's been sitting
in that corner
over a year
doing nothing.

I thought
maybe the cat
had chewed the life
out of its stems -
that blasted cat -
teeth marks still
white and pocked.

I thought
maybe I didn't
pay enough attention
to its needs
for water
light
dormancy.

I read something about those things once in a book.

Hey! Aren't you supposed to flower once a year?
Ridiculous cactus.

We mainly snuck glances of disgust at each other.
Or maybe just I did.

So, you can imagine
my surprise when
rosey tapered buds
appeared.

Surely not -
not after I'd given up.

I monitored it tentatively, questioningly.

One morning I woke
to be met by
that elusive flower -
an explosion,
a dragon glowering fuschia,
a holy creature
covered in flaming tongues.

Who knew that
scaly, bracketed stems
could have such
an unexpected ending?

---

a quiet and chilly morning

2009-01-03T07:55:00.000-08:00

many things are new. it's even a new year now, according to our calendar.

through this east window at my parents' house i see the warm of the horizon slowly grow, the leafless trees a dark mangle of lines before its deepening brightness.

i like the following poem. i don't really feel this way right now - more unanswered, sorrowed, wondering about this life-business - but i appreciate it as a hope.

-------

"Why I Wake Early"
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety -

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light -
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.
(mary oliver)
-------

this week i have done two things: finished the children's book for my mom and looked at seed catalogues. the book is a story about two friends, a heron and kingfisher, who live by a river. i did all the illustrations in watercolor, and i'm really delighted by how it turned out. i also plan on binding it myself, thanks to a friend who taught me how. the seed catalogues make me even more excited than before about this year's garden... and make it hard to choose what variety of anything to grow. i want to grow bok choy, kale, and collards; green beans and shell beans; tomatoes, sweet and hot peppers (i found aji limo seeds!); zucchini and a winter squash; cucumbers for pickling, and chinese cabbage. and maybe try eggplant again. it's hard to decide.

first frost

2008-10-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

today i finished out my garden for the summer - meaning, i ripped out all the remaining plants so now there is just a long row of dirt sprinkled with weeds and a lost tomato here and there. i was really putting off this day; i didn't want the need for me to tend it to cease. but it frosted last night, so everything was blackened and wilted anyway (except for the rosemary plant! i dug it up and potted it, and hope to nurse it through the winter months).

so i finished. but i didn't want to be finished. after the work i chose a grassy patch at the end of my row, and lied down in it, and was still. i stayed there for quite a while, thinking about my garden and the earth and the cycle of things and life in general and my life in particular. the sun felt so warm, like being in the middle of a just-baked bread pudding. so many birds singing of their lives - crows and chickadees and goldfinches and sparrows and a dozen others i couldn't recognize - and the crickets too, of course. and the grasses, played upon by the winds. some small (i hope) and unseen insect crawling on my leg. i forget sometimes that i/we share the universe with all these. the sun and the grasses and the beetles and the dirt... we all exist here together on this earth-place. it delighted and awed me to remember that this little song sparrow on the wire and i, we both have a place here, and in some ways depend on each other. this harlequin cabbage beetle (who ate holes in the bok choy! i guess he likes it as much as me) is beautiful in its completeness and intricacies. i don't know how to explain better what i was feeling... just a sense of good and of wholeness.

so now i must include another poem by mary oliver (the last four parts are best)...

Peonies
This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open--
pools of lace,
white and pink--
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities--
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklnessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again--
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

carpet is scratchy

2008-09-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

i need to make more grape pie for its healing qualities, but i have no grapes.

i'm listening to brahm's requiem because it is one of my grandfather's favorite pieces, and it is beautiful, and it reminds me of him.

there is goldenrod in a quart mason jar on the table, like feathers of sun. there is also a purple thistle, prickly.

what does it all mean?

2008-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

i had a dream this week that i found a baby polar bear. unfortunately the mama polar bear then found me and i was running away. she was big, and agressive, and not happy. yikes. then the very next night i had a dream that there was a venemous snake in my bed, and i was terrified to move for fear that it would bite me. i came to find out the next day that the very night i had that dream my brother-in-law was out looking for snakes (herping, they call it. i call it snaking). i figured he was behind it all, and it turns out i was right. thanks, josh.

at this moment i'm trying to knit and write letters at the same time... and typing this too, apparently. it's not working well. something else that didn't work well today: i made cookies that ended in disaster. not really disaster, just, not cookies. i wanted crispy-chewy mounds of oatmeal sesame raisin and ended up with a pile of some sort of granola look-alike. sigh. fortunately i had already made shortcake, at the request of my housemate heidi since she had strawberries, and it at least was a success. i put a bit of roasted cornmeal in the batter for a different texture... it was good. maybe a little too corny, but still good. we ate it for lunch, which probably wasn't the best decision. i say that every time i eat cookies or something similar for lunch, but i don't seem to be learning my lesson. all vegetables tomorrow.

spinning

2008-07-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

i saw an inchworm the other day. i nearly squashed him, on accident. they're pretty fascinating to watch, how they inch along. wouldn't it be funny if we moved that way. here's a poem i've been thinking about, written by mary oliver:

--------

When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention

"As long as we are able to

be extravagant we will be

hugely and damply

extravagant. Then we will drop

foil by foil to the ground. This

is our unalterable task, and we do it

joyfully."

And they went on. "Listen,

the heart-shackles are not, as you think,

death, illness, pain, unrequited hope, not loneliness, but

lassitude, rue, vainglory, fear, anxiety,

selfishness."

Their fragrance all the while rising

from their blind bodies, making me

spin with joy.

--------

for clarity...

lassitude = exhaustion, weariness

rue = regret, wish to be undone

vainglory = excessive vanity, boastfulness

end of an era

2008-06-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

how surreal. my youngest, my baby sister, was married yesterday. i still feel surprised when i see her sometimes - in my mind she's still a little 6 year old and i'm crawling under the bed looking for her shoes. and now i have a kind-of brother. yep... none of this has sunken in yet. here are some highlights of the last four days:
-the most amazing nap in the hammock (the second-best ever, actually). i cannot describe how enjoyable it was.
-the downpour right before b's wedding. i loved it! how memorable. us all running for the shelter house, getting wet. no instruments got wet.
-hearing one of my favorite bob marley songs unexpectedly three times: on the radio driving home, in a movie, playing while decorating... i think it's called "three little birds"
-hanging out with my family, and my aunts and uncles (my mom's siblings). they live all over the place so we don't get to see them all together much. we had a great time dancing together!
-singing with my sister em. we always do when we're together, and it's probably one of my favorite things to do. i wish we could more.

the end.

what i've been doing

2008-06-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

so i've gotten on here several times in the last 24 days with intentions to write something, but then didn't. i think i'm too stuck on wanting things (like my thoughts) to be neat and tidy and entire, and when i can't make them come out that way i just get frustrated. but this is my blog, so i guess i can just do whatever i want and let things be as disjointed as they end up being. fancy that.

i learned a word today: clodpate, which refers to a foolish or bone-headed person. i then felt like a clodpate over looking up a word in the dictionary (an abridged one, mind you) that didn't actually exist. i can't help it that i believe people too much! well now i know. my clodpate moment for the day. : ) what a great word, though.

more and more baking... my motivation to cook actual food is waning (when cooking for myself, anyway) and it seems that the baking and making of sweetish things grows! let's see... there were little rhubarb tartlets, and there was a french silk pie, and a sour cherry pie, and a hazelnutty-chocolate birthday cake, and maybe some chocolate-chocolate chip cookies in there somewhere. oh, and some rhubarb-strawberry ice cream-type thing. i'd like to make this rosemary pound cake with stewed apples that i made a year or so ago, but i can't find my directions... just experiment i guess. i have been called a mad scientist. i will be baking this weekend more - cookies for my sister's wedding reception (pecan rounds and mint layer brownies) and a rhubarb pie and something else yet to be determined for a lunch gathering on sunday. baking and feeding people makes me glad.

i think i'd like to try writing poetry more. it's something to practice, like anything, and i think i'll just start writing odds and ends without worrying about the end result. maybe what i'm writing isn't even poetry, but i'll call it that because it's in short lines. i re-found two that i had written in the last couple months. i don't have them right here at the moment but maybe i'll put them on this thing later. here's one for right now!

a slender leaf
a gnat
both on the other side of this window
but the sun! the sun
patchy and warm on my feet

may is no more

2008-06-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this mainly because today is June 1, and if I wait until tomorrow it will be June 2. Which is my half-birthday, actually.
I'm thinking about stopping at a donut shop in Lancaster that I heard about - apparently they have the best donuts in the world. It's called "Donut World" and it's the size of a closet, so I'm told.
My life-long friend Rachel is married (which is good! she and Yohanan are better together than apart) and I'm filled with joy for her and them, but changes are always a process. They're off to Seattle.
My dad has a motorcycle now. It's red and I'm going to drive it soon.
I have to go drive in my car now.

merton

2008-05-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

"Now at last let me begin to live by faith. Quaerite primum regnum Dei. Seek first the kingdom of God. Why do I mistrust Your goodness, mistrust everyone but myself, meet every new event on the defensive, squared off against everybody?
Dear Lord, I am not living like a monk, like a comtemplative. The first essential is missing. I only say I trust You. My actions prove that the one I trust is myself - and that I am still afraid of You.
Take my life into Your hands at last. Do whatever You want with it. I give myself to Your love. I mean to keep on giving myself to Your love - rejecting neither the hard things nor the pleasant things You have arranged for me. It is enough for me that You have glory. Everything You have planned is good. It is all love."
- Thomas Merton

I have read this, thought it, prayed it... and the more I do the more I realize my lack of trust. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be fully trusting of God. He won't be restricted by the shapes I like to fit him into... so do we just come to him each day and say "help"? I will.

pentecost-chocolate-espresso cake

2008-05-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

Cake! I love cake. This is what I made last weekend:

a dense not-ridiculously-sweet chocolate cake with ganache (made with milk rather than cream) between layers, then iced with espresso-chocolate buttercream. I made the espresso in my little metal stove-top espresso maker that I found at Salvation Army [Emily, like yours only bigger!]. It all turned out quite good, I think, and I would make it again. Next time some sort of hazelnut-something should be included. It's called Pentecost Cake because I was told the day on which we ate it was Pentecost. That's about all I have to say about it. And that I would eat more of it right now...

please-stop-breaking-my-heart tart

2008-04-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

That is the name I gave to this newest creation (thanks to Andrea for the picture):

There's a close-up picture too but I can't get it to work right now.

If you're wondering what it consists of... I started with an oatmeal-sugar cookie crust (with a bit of nutmeg) and added layers of caramel and chocolate, and then crumbled the rest of the cookie substance on top. Then it baked.

I made the Please-Stop-Breaking-My-Heart Tart because, well, the name is pretty obvious why. There are a number of things making my insides ache right now, but specifically I made it in response to the crushing sadness I feel for a person currently at the TH. There's part of me that is upset and maybe angry, but mostly just sad. Because things are so broken, spirits are broken. Because people aren't loved, or believe that they are beyond hope, and get shuffled from one temporary family to another. Because sometimes it seems impossible to resist despair. I wonder and cry, "God, where are you?!" I want to dream great and beautiful things for the people I love, but fear that those hopes will never be realized, and sometimes I can't handle the thought of that. I guess part of me is afraid of God still...

... and so what do I do? Keep making tarts, I suppose. Keep hoping for wholeness to come, because I think we were made for that - that God intends to make us whole. Keep aching for a time to come when God Himself will wipe away tears for the last time and look us full in the face, and we Him - even the things that now seem hopeless, even the small, forgotten, or insignificant ones. When his people will be called Sought After and No Longer Deserted, when the broken shards of hearts will be put back together and ultimate comfort will come. Beauty will crown heads, gladness will replace mourning, praise will devour despair. And if I take the time to notice, I can see some of these things now.

So yes, I will keep making tarts. And pies. And anything else that may contain some sort of healing property.

mostly pie

2008-04-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Pie has been happening these days. I guess I'm in a pie phase. So far there have been two:

#1: The Half-Marathon Brownie Pie - gooey brownie-coconut substance on the bottom, custard on top with toasted coconut. Not too bad for a fruitless pie.

#2: Grandma Wilson's Strawberry Pie - not my own creation, but handed down several generations from my dad's grandmother. She and her husband had a farm in Washington C.H. where my dad spent every summer working. He has great stories of meals there and the amazing food she would make. This pie is my dad's favorite, and I like it just because I know it symbolizes happy memories for my dad and is something tangible that helps me connect with my relatives and heritage.

I haven't really cooked much else recently, although I have plans for pizza. Oh I need pizza. I did have meat log in barbeque-ish sauce with my friends last night, and popcorn. Then we went to an art show opening that I didn't really understand, but there was a suspended tent with a moss carpet beneath. I felt confused, but I liked the moss. Then the bowl of popcorn ended up on Jenny's head (also art) and I drove away to check my seedlings. It was dark by then... so there was no checking. I just hope the tomatoes germinate soon...

nothing's coming to mind

2008-04-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a snippet from the end of a book I recently read - C.S. Lewis’ Perelandra, the second in his space trilogy. The Green Woman, an inhabitant of this planet, is speaking to Ransom, who is from earth. On this world most of the land is floating islands that swell and drift with the waves and currents, but there is also a Fixed Land (land as earth inhabitants think of it) on which Maledil (who made them) instructed them not to live. She finally understands why:

“The reason for not yet living on the Fixed Land is now so plain. How could I wish to live there except because it was Fixed? And why should I desire the Fixed except to make sure – to be able on one day to command where I should be the next and what should happen to me? It was to reject the wave – to draw my hands out of Maledil’s, to say to Him, ‘Not thus, but thus’ – to put in our own power what times should roll towards us… as if you gathered fruits together to-day for to-morrow’s eating instead of taking what came. That would have been cold love and feeble trust. And out of it how could we ever have climbed back into love and trust again?”

Something to think about.

Other things that have been on my mind or in my days: learning to identify bird songs and calls (or trying anyway), trying to coax Calvin into eating more crickets, running, thinking about making pies, music I want to play, being with people I care about, hope for the garden and planting seeds, trying to decide if I can get away with baking everyday. I probably can't, but wouldn't it be nice to have a little bakery? I may just start doing that and spontaneously showing up at people's houses with creations to share. Or overwhelming my coworkers with experiments to try.

funny dreams

2008-03-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

I had a funny dream last night that I wanted to write about but now, of course, it has faded and I can't remember a thing about it. Lots of time I have lucid dreams, which I think means dreams in which you're aware that you're dreaming. I like those.

Here's a real dream, one I've had for many years: to get a big old house (preferably on a chunk of good land), fix it up, and make it a home for children. I don’t know what kind of children… just ones who need a family, a home. I want these children to know they are loved, to experience acceptance and some kind of stability and love that cares enough to discipline and provide boundaries; to learn of the kind but troubled things in life, and the wild things, and the wonderful passionate things. To know they are safe. To give hugs. To value work and play and to know what dirt feels like and how to mix water and flour to make bread. To be a constant, a community. Maybe this dream could look like… adopting a lot of kids. Or maybe working in an already-established home like this. Or maybe just living. Or maybe it means something else. It just seems that we’re not given strong feelings if they were for nothing or meaningless. At the least they must be there to further shape our thinking, our hearts, even if they don’t work themselves out in a literal or tangible way. So if anyone has any old, awesome houses they need a use for, let me know.

four good things from the earth

2008-03-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I was out running on a wet morning, and was rewarded by encountering four creatures that I like. First, two birds: an Eastern Pheobe, which has been gone all winter, and then a Pileated Woodpecker, which is always an amazing bird to see. I was pretty excited about those and was thinking about them, when I looked down and almost stepped on a little salamander! Yellow-murky brown with bright orange dots. Delightful. Then not 20 yards later I came across a good-sized land snail, inching along. I brought him home with me, though I'll release him soon. He's in a jar and not very happy, but also not dead.

So these things are gifts. I recognize that pretty easily, because I'm delighted by them, and it seems natural. There are other things that are gifts too, though I may not ask for them or believe I want them. But they have been given to me. I'm not much of a poetry-reader, but recently I've discovered a poet named Mary Oliver, and I read this by her the other day:

The Uses of Sorrow
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

I think there probably are many boxes of darkness stashed away, and hopefully I can find some use for them.

a short write

2008-03-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep last night, again, although this time I could blame it on my parents' couch. I should have moved to the spare bed, but once you get warm (and there's a pellet stove blowing hot air four feet from you) why move? I was feeling frazzled all evening (changes in plans does that to me sometimes, and purchasing large things I don't understand, like cars) and was resolved to just watch tv until my mind stopped... which turned into watching a movie (Once, I think it was called), but after about an hour of that I just wasn't really interested. so I read. I'm nearly finished with a book of selected writings of Dorothy Day, and she's been giving me much to think on. Too much - I feel like I have to pick and choose. There are a lot of things I'd like to write about here, and maybe later I'll put some thoughts, but not this morning. She talks a lot about love, and the difficulty of actually loving people in action and not just in dreams. She quotes a character from The Brothers Karamazov when she says, "Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams." It's even dangerous to write of such things; it is so easy just to talk, to be stirred in my heart while my life remains unchanged. Well I want to say more about this but my time is limited. To end, the other short tidbit from her (she was speaking of their community in general) that I wrote on a scrap of paper says, "We want land, bread, work, children, and the joys of community in play and work and worship." Yes. These are good things, many of the important things that life boils down to. I want to live more in a way that embraces these simple, meaningful things. I want to love more deeply and truly. I want to write more about these things and share them (which scares me a little), but now I really have to get dressed and go buy a little car. I think it is blue.

Good morning, sun. Good morning, chickadee and wood-pewee.

chomp

2008-02-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I finally witnessed Calvin eating a cricket. It was a big one, too, all wiggly. I wonder what it's like to eat something whole that's alive and that's as big as your head. Do different crickets have different flavors? I might not mind a cricket if it was covered in peanuty-chocolate substance - like Reese's Puff cereal, which is basically corn balls covered in candy.

My mind's been pretty active recently (mainly the last 48 hours or so), which means I've been writing a lot, which equals good. I've been a little disappointed in the fact that I've been pretty lazy lately, thinking-wise, or feel like I have anyway. I've been thinking and writing about: death and the beauty and meaning of steadfast, sacrificial love; of not being insulated from pain and brokenness; of reading books written by people I value and learn from, some written on paper but most written on lives, on my life; and seeing lives of young women I've met here and not understanding why I'm not them, and it hurts. I've been talking about these things too, which is extra good.

i like boxes

2008-02-22T09:05:00.000-08:00

It's true. I prefer boxes that are surprises and that contain secret contents, but I'll also accept packages that come to my door because I told them to. For example, two days in a row this week I got home from work at night and there was a box on my porch! Two days! Amazing. Of course I knew what they were - a dress for my sister's wedding, and shoes to go with it the next day - but still... I guess all I need to do to keep myself happy is to order something every week or so. Happy thought indeed.

the new me

2008-02-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

One of the people at the Timothy House said the greatest thing to me today. We were walking up the basement stairs and he asked if I ever did any skateboarding when I was younger. That's a weird question, I thought; he can't be serious. I replied with a wary and surprised "no" - aside from my yellow Banana Board from when I was 6 or something (remember that, Em?). And then I asked, "Do I look like a skater?" and he totally thought I did! He said something about my demeanor and the way my hair fell across my eyes looking very skaterish. "No way!" I said. "Yeah!" he said. Then my friend Amanda chimed in, verifying this apparent "hipness", as she put it, that I wasn't aware of having. I think I can honestly say that I've never been involved in such a conversation before. I think I'd like to have a skater alias; any suggestions?

firsts

2008-01-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

Finally, finally I got out my first, newly-received-as-a-gift sewing machine. It makes a mean straight stitch, let me tell you. Pretty exciting. Looking forward to finishing my 1914 dress.

Another first: rutabagas. Scaly and earthy-looking, not as peppery as turnips. That's what I hear, anyway. I have yet to eat them, but they look great and rustic on my sideboard.

And another food first: tarts. The great thing about tarts is that you make them in a tart pan. Mine (and I think most) have scalloped edges and are shallow and just look cool. So I made a blackberry one, and then a smaller one with honey curd that was delicious in a sweet almondy crust.

geckos

2008-01-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to anounce the recent acquisition of a new lizard friend that is not a dinosuar and that is actually real and not an acrylic painting from my head. It's Calvin the leopard gecko! If you haven't met him, you should, because he's great. He doesn't look leopardy yet because he's young... so right now he's mostly orange with black markings. He has a log-cave and some rock structures in which he likes to hide, or crawl around on if he's feeling spry. He also has a jungle-leaf plant which he crawls up into sometimes, hiding. He eats live crickets (sorry crickets) and they must be delicious to him because he eats a lot. I'll put a picture here at a later time. Maybe I'll even paint a picture of him.

Pets are fun, but sometimes I feel bad about them. There is a difference, though, between caging a wild animal and having a pet that was born in captivity. The second doesn't know anything different; the cage and immediate surroundings are its world, and that's all it knows. And so the animal can enjoy its life. It would be amazing to have a wild animal for a pet, like a squirrel or chipmunk or something, but it already knows about life on its own and it would be too sad to contain it. I found a wild snail once and put it in a jar, but I either killed it or it went into hibernation or just lost its will to live... poor Cecil the snail.

bits and pieces

2008-01-01T12:20:00.001-08:00

It's 2008 today, and seems an appropriate time to examine life. Socrates said that "The unexamined life is not worth living." That's a pretty strong statement, and it compels me. Ask if you want to hear more on that subject.

Christmas was fun with my family - ALL of us together for a day. We were pretty lazy all day, but it's good to have some days like that. I think i had several great naps that day.

My mom and sister Em visited last week, which was fun. A visit to O'Betty's was a highlight for them. Can't go wrong there. Then my dear friend Rachel came for a day, which meant a lot as she lives in the Chicago area. It's such a gift to have a friendship built over so many years... it gives lots of opportunities to show grace to each other. And faithfulness.

Then there was the turkey fiasco... please read my friend Andrea's explanation of that epic tale. She explains it well. I'm not really feeling at peace with turkeys much now. I have my own turkey problem taking up the majority of my little fridge, but it's looking hopeful that it soon may be out of my life. Lesson learned.

I just found a little poem about the moon that I had learned while living in Bolivia... I've been trying to remember it, but couldn't. Then I remembered that you can find just about anything on the internet. Amazing. So here it is (part of it, anyway).

Luna lunera, cascabelera,
ojos azules, boca morena.

Last night I accidently ended up at the waterfall; I think some unseen Force must have brought me there. My heart had had no peace all day. Running hard through the field by the birch trees didn't help, even playing the piano for quite a while didn't bring any release, and I felt more frustrated and sad than ever. It's wanting to say everything at once, but being stopped by some stubborn wall of fear. Well, problem not solved, but the falling water must have done something. I was reminded of being alone with God. And of courage. More on that later.

florida

2007-12-16T23:50:00.000-08:00

There are a pile of young, green coconuts on my parents' table. Josh and Beka brought them up from West Palm Beach, where Josh cut them out of people's palm trees while Beka kept watch. Nice work. My first time drinking the water from a green coconut was while visiting B this past spring: Josh cut it from a tree, cut the top off, and that was that. I have to say, it was probably the most refreshing thing I've ever drank. And I was standing by the ocean, which made the experience even more vivid. That whole week had some pretty vivid moments, actually, particularly when in the everglades for a day. Lots of alligators, and a green heron catching a fish, and "herping" (which I have learned is the technical term for snake-catching, not "snaking"), and other things.

ouch

2007-12-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I visited the local pet store, which I think is called Fish n' Stuff. It's pretty great. They have lots of fish and corals and reptiles, and rodents. I like looking at the crazy colorful fish; the problem with them, though, is that they're not very good for holding. But rodents! So soft and small! They had this one little guy called a Spiny Mouse, which kind of looks like a tiny hedge hog only without spines and just some bristly parts in his fur. I was quite taken with him, and the owner let me hold him for a while. It was all going swimmingly and I was having thoughts of doing something impulsive like taking him home with me right then. Unfortunately he and I didn't seem to be on the same wavelength and he let me know by gingerly taking a bite of my finger. Ouch. My finger, now punctured, bruised and bloodied, was only a representation of the real damage done to my small animal-loving soul. Maybe Spiny was just having a bad day. I hope we can be reconciled.

tickled

2007-12-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

Isn't it great when unexpected things happen? When I opened my eyes yesterday morning and peered out from my blankety cave, what greeted me but beautiful SNOW! It took me completely by surprise and immediately I started laughing. I'm not sure if I've ever woken up laughing before, but I'd like to more often. What a great way to begin a day.

eyes

2007-12-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

Today a former resident came to the house to get some of her things. It was funny, because I had just been thinking about her and her son, wondering how they were, where they were... uncanny how often that happens. I was suprised and glad to see her, but also saddened. She just looked crushed somehow, defeated. Her eyes had pain.

She's going far away, and I don't suppose I'll see her again. It's so strange how we step in and out of each other's lives. I'm not sure what to do with that.

2007-12-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

I love this picture of the four of us. A sister sandwich. It's from Thanksgiving 2006, I think.

I had plans to lie in front of my parents' pellet stove and sleep, but got distracted. Even though that didn't work out, the most delicious nap still came over me this afternoon. Then I woke up and my mom and I walked through the candle-lit streets of Granville. Pretty but cold. We came home and I talked her into making caramel corn (she had been asking me what special cake or dessert I wanted for my birthday and I couldn't even think! Caramel corn seemed right. Thankfully I still have tomorrow to make that important decision). I plan on eating large quantities of it very soon. Unfortunately I forgot to add peanuts...

dino friends

2007-11-29T09:29:00.000-08:00

Recently dinosaurs have been on my mind. I don't know why. Things like that just come to me sometimes. And I don't mean I've been thinking deep thoughts about them or their demise; I mean there actually are cartoonish pictures of them floating through my brain - mostly the large, long-necked, slow and gentle herbivore-type. It all started last week when I was painting with my friend Andrea. She was finishing up this amazing, firey flower, and I was pondering what to put on my own blank paper... and after only a few minutes I knew it had to be a dino. It just seemed right. The scene became quite complicated, involving a bear and a spewing volcano. But anyway, I thought that would be the end of such thoughts. Then two days ago I was looking through a National Geographic magazine that had come in to the Timothy House and I opened to a two-sided poster of more amazing extinct reptiles! I couldn't have been more pleased.

squash

2007-11-26T05:43:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time I face my fears and see what spaghetti squash is all about. The main problem with spaghetti squash, it would seem, is in the name: it tastes nothing like spaghetti. Kind of like how soy milk tastes nothing like milk - so if you go into it expecting some sort of resemblance, you're in for a big disappointment and probably won't like it at all. I knew this and was eager to experience this squash in all its natural squashiness. So I baked, I forked, I cooked it up and put onions with tomatoes and rosemary on top and some cheese... it was great! I think squash and I are becoming great friends.

the good crazy

2007-11-22T04:02:00.000-08:00

It's about 7am and I've been awake off and on for the last 3 hours. Great. I seem to have this ongoing problem with sleeping... I finally went out on the couch and had a strange dream that combined major people and situations from the last 8 years of my life. Entertaining at least.

Well my dad and I have this tradition (meaning, we did it last year and a second time makes it a tradition) of walking/running together on Thanksgiving morning. Which is great, but right now I'm feeling particularly unmotivated and ready for my first of hopefuly several naps for the day. My sisters Rach and B (Em isn't home yet) are in bed, and will be for a while I think. We all slept in one room last night and it was a bit riotous... lots of tickle-monster attacks and shrieking by Beka, while Rachel kept on singing a few lines from some song she heard on her independant radio station called "the perfect crime" or something like that. They bring out the crazy in me - the good-crazy. More to come...

green and purple

2007-11-19T07:31:00.001-08:00

Yesterday at the farmer's market I got a vegetable I've never had: tak choy, some sort of "asian green". I like bok choy, so I figured I'd probably like this too. So last night I pulled it out to cook some and found it had partially frozen! What?! My refridgerator still has problems, apparently. I cooked it anyway and put it in a corn tortilla and it was delicious, in its greenish way. Moving to the other side of the globe and the southern hemisphere... I also purchased some purple peruvian potatoes which reminded me so much of one of the many kinds of potatoes we ate in Bolivia: very small and dark, quite purple. One of the hundreds of varities you can find down there. I loved the potato section of the mercado central - so many potatoes! All colors and shapes! I'm glad someone up here thought to grow some.

different and good

2007-11-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

Some friends reminded me of joy last night. How could I forget? We pasteled with bright colors and it was great. My picture kind of ended up looking like a swirly blob, but it felt good making it. And I especially liked the blue colors around the edge. If I had a picture-taking machine I would put it here. It was also great and mesmorizing watching my friends put colors and shapes on their canvases. All different and all good.

stuff of life

2007-11-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot the last couple months about this business of loving people, what it really means to love. Sometimes there's part of me that wants to draw back, to distance myself from involvement and feeling and entering into a person's life and suffering more. To just say "No more, I'm done" and they move on and I don't think about them anymore. Because it's just HARD and messy and there aren't solid rules. And it takes a lot more sacrifice and effort than I sometimes want to give - much more than just having good feelings toward someone. And it means possibly failing. And it means my own heart my suffer in the process. Jesus suffered greatly in loving us. Shouldn't our loving look similar to that? I read that "Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken," and also, "Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer." If loving people becomes easy, is it really love? If there is not struggle and suffering, is my compassion genuine or merely a good feeling?

explosions

2007-11-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there's so much to say that it must either all come out at once, or not at all. Seems like I usually get stuck with the not at all part. But I suppose that's my own fault. I have an ongoing fear that when I speak it is not valuable or worth hearing and that others are uninterested. I know that's silly. But still real.

and something else

2007-10-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's good to make lists of things you like. It's good to celebrate smalls things. Like these - all from today (mostly):

hot chocolate on the stove
finding neat leaves all different colors, and flattening them
the warm sun
getting close to finishing a journal
toaster ovens
hope
seeing a hawk fly

They're all glimpses of something.

well...

2007-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm really doing this because I need a diversion. I never planned on doing this blog-thing. I probably won't even write anything on here! Ha! I'm house/dog/cat sitting, and the night is cool and clear, and I'm going to go outside soon and enjoy the starry sky that I can't usually see from my house with the big streetlight so nearby. And there may be pizza involved.