end of an era

how surreal. my youngest, my baby sister, was married yesterday. i still feel surprised when i see her sometimes - in my mind she's still a little 6 year old and i'm crawling under the bed looking for her shoes. and now i have a kind-of brother. yep... none of this has sunken in yet. here are some highlights of the last four days:
-the most amazing nap in the hammock (the second-best ever, actually). i cannot describe how enjoyable it was.
-the downpour right before b's wedding. i loved it! how memorable. us all running for the shelter house, getting wet. no instruments got wet.
-hearing one of my favorite bob marley songs unexpectedly three times: on the radio driving home, in a movie, playing while decorating... i think it's called "three little birds"
-hanging out with my family, and my aunts and uncles (my mom's siblings). they live all over the place so we don't get to see them all together much. we had a great time dancing together!
-singing with my sister em. we always do when we're together, and it's probably one of my favorite things to do. i wish we could more.

the end.

what i've been doing

so i've gotten on here several times in the last 24 days with intentions to write something, but then didn't. i think i'm too stuck on wanting things (like my thoughts) to be neat and tidy and entire, and when i can't make them come out that way i just get frustrated. but this is my blog, so i guess i can just do whatever i want and let things be as disjointed as they end up being. fancy that.

i learned a word today: clodpate, which refers to a foolish or bone-headed person. i then felt like a clodpate over looking up a word in the dictionary (an abridged one, mind you) that didn't actually exist. i can't help it that i believe people too much! well now i know. my clodpate moment for the day. : ) what a great word, though.

more and more baking... my motivation to cook actual food is waning (when cooking for myself, anyway) and it seems that the baking and making of sweetish things grows! let's see... there were little rhubarb tartlets, and there was a french silk pie, and a sour cherry pie, and a hazelnutty-chocolate birthday cake, and maybe some chocolate-chocolate chip cookies in there somewhere. oh, and some rhubarb-strawberry ice cream-type thing. i'd like to make this rosemary pound cake with stewed apples that i made a year or so ago, but i can't find my directions... just experiment i guess. i have been called a mad scientist. i will be baking this weekend more - cookies for my sister's wedding reception (pecan rounds and mint layer brownies) and a rhubarb pie and something else yet to be determined for a lunch gathering on sunday. baking and feeding people makes me glad.

i think i'd like to try writing poetry more. it's something to practice, like anything, and i think i'll just start writing odds and ends without worrying about the end result. maybe what i'm writing isn't even poetry, but i'll call it that because it's in short lines. i re-found two that i had written in the last couple months. i don't have them right here at the moment but maybe i'll put them on this thing later. here's one for right now!

a slender leaf
a gnat
both on the other side of this window
but the sun! the sun
patchy and warm on my feet

may is no more

I'm writing this mainly because today is June 1, and if I wait until tomorrow it will be June 2. Which is my half-birthday, actually.
I'm thinking about stopping at a donut shop in Lancaster that I heard about - apparently they have the best donuts in the world. It's called "Donut World" and it's the size of a closet, so I'm told.
My life-long friend Rachel is married (which is good! she and Yohanan are better together than apart) and I'm filled with joy for her and them, but changes are always a process. They're off to Seattle.
My dad has a motorcycle now. It's red and I'm going to drive it soon.
I have to go drive in my car now.

merton

"Now at last let me begin to live by faith. Quaerite primum regnum Dei. Seek first the kingdom of God. Why do I mistrust Your goodness, mistrust everyone but myself, meet every new event on the defensive, squared off against everybody?
Dear Lord, I am not living like a monk, like a comtemplative. The first essential is missing. I only say I trust You. My actions prove that the one I trust is myself - and that I am still afraid of You.
Take my life into Your hands at last. Do whatever You want with it. I give myself to Your love. I mean to keep on giving myself to Your love - rejecting neither the hard things nor the pleasant things You have arranged for me. It is enough for me that You have glory. Everything You have planned is good. It is all love."
- Thomas Merton

I have read this, thought it, prayed it... and the more I do the more I realize my lack of trust. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be fully trusting of God. He won't be restricted by the shapes I like to fit him into... so do we just come to him each day and say "help"? I will.

pentecost-chocolate-espresso cake

Cake!  I love cake.  This is what I made last weekend:

a dense not-ridiculously-sweet chocolate cake with ganache (made with milk rather than cream) between layers, then iced with espresso-chocolate buttercream.  I made the espresso in my little metal stove-top espresso maker that I found at Salvation Army [Emily, like yours only bigger!].  It all turned out quite good, I think, and I would make it again.  Next time some sort of hazelnut-something should be included.  It's called Pentecost Cake because I was told the day on which we ate it was Pentecost.  That's about all I have to say about it.  And that I would eat more of it right now...  

please-stop-breaking-my-heart tart

That is the name I gave to this newest creation (thanks to Andrea for the picture):

There's a close-up picture too but I can't get it to work right now.  

If you're wondering what it consists of... I started with an oatmeal-sugar cookie crust (with a bit of nutmeg) and added layers of caramel and chocolate, and then crumbled the rest of the cookie substance on top.  Then it baked.

I made the Please-Stop-Breaking-My-Heart Tart because, well, the name is pretty obvious why.  There are a number of things making my insides ache right now, but specifically I made it in response to the crushing sadness I feel for a person currently at the TH.  There's part of me that is upset and maybe angry, but mostly just sad.  Because things are so broken, spirits are broken.  Because people aren't loved, or believe that they are beyond hope, and get shuffled from one temporary family to another.  Because sometimes it seems impossible to resist despair.  I wonder and cry, "God, where are you?!"  I want to dream great and beautiful things for the people I love, but fear that those hopes will never be realized, and sometimes I can't handle the thought of that.  I guess part of me is afraid of God still...

... and so what do I do?  Keep making tarts, I suppose.  Keep hoping for wholeness to come, because I think we were made for that - that God intends to make us whole.  Keep aching for a time to come when God Himself will wipe away tears for the last time and look us full in the face, and we Him - even the things that now seem hopeless, even the small, forgotten, or insignificant ones.  When his people will be called Sought After and No Longer Deserted, when the broken shards of hearts will be put back together and ultimate comfort will come.  Beauty will crown heads, gladness will replace mourning, praise will devour despair.  And if I take the time to notice, I can see some of these things now.  

So yes, I will keep making tarts.  And pies.  And anything else that may contain some sort of healing property. 

mostly pie

Pie has been happening these days. I guess I'm in a pie phase. So far there have been two:

#1: The Half-Marathon Brownie Pie - gooey brownie-coconut substance on the bottom, custard on top with toasted coconut. Not too bad for a fruitless pie.

#2: Grandma Wilson's Strawberry Pie - not my own creation, but handed down several generations from my dad's grandmother. She and her husband had a farm in Washington C.H. where my dad spent every summer working. He has great stories of meals there and the amazing food she would make. This pie is my dad's favorite, and I like it just because I know it symbolizes happy memories for my dad and is something tangible that helps me connect with my relatives and heritage.

I haven't really cooked much else recently, although I have plans for pizza. Oh I need pizza. I did have meat log in barbeque-ish sauce with my friends last night, and popcorn. Then we went to an art show opening that I didn't really understand, but there was a suspended tent with a moss carpet beneath. I felt confused, but I liked the moss. Then the bowl of popcorn ended up on Jenny's head (also art) and I drove away to check my seedlings. It was dark by then... so there was no checking. I just hope the tomatoes germinate soon...