first frost

today i finished out my garden for the summer - meaning, i ripped out all the remaining plants so now there is just a long row of dirt sprinkled with weeds and a lost tomato here and there. i was really putting off this day; i didn't want the need for me to tend it to cease. but it frosted last night, so everything was blackened and wilted anyway (except for the rosemary plant! i dug it up and potted it, and hope to nurse it through the winter months).

so i finished. but i didn't want to be finished. after the work i chose a grassy patch at the end of my row, and lied down in it, and was still. i stayed there for quite a while, thinking about my garden and the earth and the cycle of things and life in general and my life in particular. the sun felt so warm, like being in the middle of a just-baked bread pudding. so many birds singing of their lives - crows and chickadees and goldfinches and sparrows and a dozen others i couldn't recognize - and the crickets too, of course. and the grasses, played upon by the winds. some small (i hope) and unseen insect crawling on my leg. i forget sometimes that i/we share the universe with all these. the sun and the grasses and the beetles and the dirt... we all exist here together on this earth-place. it delighted and awed me to remember that this little song sparrow on the wire and i, we both have a place here, and in some ways depend on each other. this harlequin cabbage beetle (who ate holes in the bok choy! i guess he likes it as much as me) is beautiful in its completeness and intricacies. i don't know how to explain better what i was feeling... just a sense of good and of wholeness.

so now i must include another poem by mary oliver (the last four parts are best)...

Peonies
This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open--
pools of lace,
white and pink--
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities--
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklnessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again--
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

carpet is scratchy

i need to make more grape pie for its healing qualities, but i have no grapes.

i'm listening to brahm's requiem because it is one of my grandfather's favorite pieces, and it is beautiful, and it reminds me of him.

there is goldenrod in a quart mason jar on the table, like feathers of sun. there is also a purple thistle, prickly.

what does it all mean?

i had a dream this week that i found a baby polar bear. unfortunately the mama polar bear then found me and i was running away. she was big, and agressive, and not happy. yikes. then the very next night i had a dream that there was a venemous snake in my bed, and i was terrified to move for fear that it would bite me. i came to find out the next day that the very night i had that dream my brother-in-law was out looking for snakes (herping, they call it. i call it snaking). i figured he was behind it all, and it turns out i was right. thanks, josh.

at this moment i'm trying to knit and write letters at the same time... and typing this too, apparently. it's not working well. something else that didn't work well today: i made cookies that ended in disaster. not really disaster, just, not cookies. i wanted crispy-chewy mounds of oatmeal sesame raisin and ended up with a pile of some sort of granola look-alike. sigh. fortunately i had already made shortcake, at the request of my housemate heidi since she had strawberries, and it at least was a success. i put a bit of roasted cornmeal in the batter for a different texture... it was good. maybe a little too corny, but still good. we ate it for lunch, which probably wasn't the best decision. i say that every time i eat cookies or something similar for lunch, but i don't seem to be learning my lesson. all vegetables tomorrow.

spinning

i saw an inchworm the other day.  i nearly squashed him, on accident.  they're pretty fascinating to watch, how they inch along.  wouldn't it be funny if we moved that way.  here's a poem i've been thinking about, written by mary oliver:

--------

When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention

"As long as we are able to

be extravagant we will be

hugely and damply

extravagant.  Then we will drop

foil by foil to the ground.  This

is our unalterable task, and we do it

joyfully."

And they went on.  "Listen,

the heart-shackles are not, as you think,

death, illness, pain, unrequited hope, not loneliness, but

lassitude, rue, vainglory, fear, anxiety,

selfishness."

Their fragrance all the while rising 

from their blind bodies, making me

spin with joy.

--------

for clarity...

lassitude = exhaustion, weariness

rue = regret, wish to be undone

vainglory = excessive vanity, boastfulness

end of an era

how surreal. my youngest, my baby sister, was married yesterday. i still feel surprised when i see her sometimes - in my mind she's still a little 6 year old and i'm crawling under the bed looking for her shoes. and now i have a kind-of brother. yep... none of this has sunken in yet. here are some highlights of the last four days:
-the most amazing nap in the hammock (the second-best ever, actually). i cannot describe how enjoyable it was.
-the downpour right before b's wedding. i loved it! how memorable. us all running for the shelter house, getting wet. no instruments got wet.
-hearing one of my favorite bob marley songs unexpectedly three times: on the radio driving home, in a movie, playing while decorating... i think it's called "three little birds"
-hanging out with my family, and my aunts and uncles (my mom's siblings). they live all over the place so we don't get to see them all together much. we had a great time dancing together!
-singing with my sister em. we always do when we're together, and it's probably one of my favorite things to do. i wish we could more.

the end.

what i've been doing

so i've gotten on here several times in the last 24 days with intentions to write something, but then didn't. i think i'm too stuck on wanting things (like my thoughts) to be neat and tidy and entire, and when i can't make them come out that way i just get frustrated. but this is my blog, so i guess i can just do whatever i want and let things be as disjointed as they end up being. fancy that.

i learned a word today: clodpate, which refers to a foolish or bone-headed person. i then felt like a clodpate over looking up a word in the dictionary (an abridged one, mind you) that didn't actually exist. i can't help it that i believe people too much! well now i know. my clodpate moment for the day. : ) what a great word, though.

more and more baking... my motivation to cook actual food is waning (when cooking for myself, anyway) and it seems that the baking and making of sweetish things grows! let's see... there were little rhubarb tartlets, and there was a french silk pie, and a sour cherry pie, and a hazelnutty-chocolate birthday cake, and maybe some chocolate-chocolate chip cookies in there somewhere. oh, and some rhubarb-strawberry ice cream-type thing. i'd like to make this rosemary pound cake with stewed apples that i made a year or so ago, but i can't find my directions... just experiment i guess. i have been called a mad scientist. i will be baking this weekend more - cookies for my sister's wedding reception (pecan rounds and mint layer brownies) and a rhubarb pie and something else yet to be determined for a lunch gathering on sunday. baking and feeding people makes me glad.

i think i'd like to try writing poetry more. it's something to practice, like anything, and i think i'll just start writing odds and ends without worrying about the end result. maybe what i'm writing isn't even poetry, but i'll call it that because it's in short lines. i re-found two that i had written in the last couple months. i don't have them right here at the moment but maybe i'll put them on this thing later. here's one for right now!

a slender leaf
a gnat
both on the other side of this window
but the sun! the sun
patchy and warm on my feet

may is no more

I'm writing this mainly because today is June 1, and if I wait until tomorrow it will be June 2. Which is my half-birthday, actually.
I'm thinking about stopping at a donut shop in Lancaster that I heard about - apparently they have the best donuts in the world. It's called "Donut World" and it's the size of a closet, so I'm told.
My life-long friend Rachel is married (which is good! she and Yohanan are better together than apart) and I'm filled with joy for her and them, but changes are always a process. They're off to Seattle.
My dad has a motorcycle now. It's red and I'm going to drive it soon.
I have to go drive in my car now.