please-stop-breaking-my-heart tart

That is the name I gave to this newest creation (thanks to Andrea for the picture):

There's a close-up picture too but I can't get it to work right now.  

If you're wondering what it consists of... I started with an oatmeal-sugar cookie crust (with a bit of nutmeg) and added layers of caramel and chocolate, and then crumbled the rest of the cookie substance on top.  Then it baked.

I made the Please-Stop-Breaking-My-Heart Tart because, well, the name is pretty obvious why.  There are a number of things making my insides ache right now, but specifically I made it in response to the crushing sadness I feel for a person currently at the TH.  There's part of me that is upset and maybe angry, but mostly just sad.  Because things are so broken, spirits are broken.  Because people aren't loved, or believe that they are beyond hope, and get shuffled from one temporary family to another.  Because sometimes it seems impossible to resist despair.  I wonder and cry, "God, where are you?!"  I want to dream great and beautiful things for the people I love, but fear that those hopes will never be realized, and sometimes I can't handle the thought of that.  I guess part of me is afraid of God still...

... and so what do I do?  Keep making tarts, I suppose.  Keep hoping for wholeness to come, because I think we were made for that - that God intends to make us whole.  Keep aching for a time to come when God Himself will wipe away tears for the last time and look us full in the face, and we Him - even the things that now seem hopeless, even the small, forgotten, or insignificant ones.  When his people will be called Sought After and No Longer Deserted, when the broken shards of hearts will be put back together and ultimate comfort will come.  Beauty will crown heads, gladness will replace mourning, praise will devour despair.  And if I take the time to notice, I can see some of these things now.  

So yes, I will keep making tarts.  And pies.  And anything else that may contain some sort of healing property. 

mostly pie

Pie has been happening these days. I guess I'm in a pie phase. So far there have been two:

#1: The Half-Marathon Brownie Pie - gooey brownie-coconut substance on the bottom, custard on top with toasted coconut. Not too bad for a fruitless pie.

#2: Grandma Wilson's Strawberry Pie - not my own creation, but handed down several generations from my dad's grandmother. She and her husband had a farm in Washington C.H. where my dad spent every summer working. He has great stories of meals there and the amazing food she would make. This pie is my dad's favorite, and I like it just because I know it symbolizes happy memories for my dad and is something tangible that helps me connect with my relatives and heritage.

I haven't really cooked much else recently, although I have plans for pizza. Oh I need pizza. I did have meat log in barbeque-ish sauce with my friends last night, and popcorn. Then we went to an art show opening that I didn't really understand, but there was a suspended tent with a moss carpet beneath. I felt confused, but I liked the moss. Then the bowl of popcorn ended up on Jenny's head (also art) and I drove away to check my seedlings. It was dark by then... so there was no checking. I just hope the tomatoes germinate soon...

nothing's coming to mind

Here's a snippet from the end of a book I recently read - C.S. Lewis’ Perelandra, the second in his space trilogy. The Green Woman, an inhabitant of this planet, is speaking to Ransom, who is from earth. On this world most of the land is floating islands that swell and drift with the waves and currents, but there is also a Fixed Land (land as earth inhabitants think of it) on which Maledil (who made them) instructed them not to live. She finally understands why:

“The reason for not yet living on the Fixed Land is now so plain. How could I wish to live there except because it was Fixed? And why should I desire the Fixed except to make sure – to be able on one day to command where I should be the next and what should happen to me? It was to reject the wave – to draw my hands out of Maledil’s, to say to Him, ‘Not thus, but thus’ – to put in our own power what times should roll towards us… as if you gathered fruits together to-day for to-morrow’s eating instead of taking what came. That would have been cold love and feeble trust. And out of it how could we ever have climbed back into love and trust again?”

Something to think about.

Other things that have been on my mind or in my days: learning to identify bird songs and calls (or trying anyway), trying to coax Calvin into eating more crickets, running, thinking about making pies, music I want to play, being with people I care about, hope for the garden and planting seeds, trying to decide if I can get away with baking everyday. I probably can't, but wouldn't it be nice to have a little bakery? I may just start doing that and spontaneously showing up at people's houses with creations to share. Or overwhelming my coworkers with experiments to try.